Choreography

blackmasque@gmail.com — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 09:44:44 GMT

I'm taking a study break now and then I'm going to go back to it after I'm done. I'll probably be up all night doing that since I haven't had a chance to do much this weekend. The days have been spent with Skyler and the rest of my family, and nights I've been working on grading the rest of the things from the classes I teach. I haven't finished that yet since there are a lot of students and there is one class of papers and then essays in another. I wasn't going to take time away from Skyler during the days, so I left it all to nights. Caffeine is my friend these days.

Skyler's getting excited for Christmas and Santa. It's cool to watch his eyes light up whenever he sees Christmas lights or anything like that. Kids are great, and this time of year makes them all the more fun. He asks for his mom every once in awhile, and that's hard, because I don't know what to tell him. I keep wondering if she's going to come back to try and see him again since she enjoyed Christmas with him before. I don't know if I'd rather she did come or rather she stayed away. I want her to come to her senses and be all right again, but if she shows up, I'm going to be more worried that she's going to try and snatch Skyler again than anything. I wish I could help her. I wish someone could, at least. After how she acted with me before, I don't know that I'm the right person to do it. It's hard, because I'm the only person she's consistently listened to when she's been open to listening at all. I just don't know how to handle this. I want things to be all right again, but there's a chance they might never be. Wanda seems way too determined not to be helped, or at least not to let that help stick. I think it's because she just can't believe in herself. She thinks she's weak and unworthy, so she can't allow herself not to be for an extended period of time.

I didn't mean to go into all that, sorry. I'm just very tired and so my mind goes off in directions I don't want. I think I'm going to take Bridget up on her offer to go to school with me tomorrow and do the driving so I might get some sleep on the way there. Either that, or I can get through a few more papers. I guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

Back to studying, I suppose. The sooner I do that, the farther I'll get. I'll be so glad when the break is here. Just a few more days to go.

blackmasque@gmail.com — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 04:09:13 GMT

Now that I have five minutes or so, I'll try and concentrate on writing this without boring anyone. Not much is going on in my life right now outside of school things, and I'm sure people reading this have heard enough about Thanksgiving from everyone else who's written. That doesn't leave me with a lot of choices, but I'll try.

I'm looking very forward to the break this year. It doesn't feel like I have enough hours in the day to do everything I need to do. I'm keeping up, but sometimes it feels like it's just barely. I have to find time to go shopping for Christmas, and with finals starting December 14, the end of the semester is getting here pretty fast. I'm not sure I'll be able to concentrate too much on Christmas until that's all over. I'm only going to be grading the finals for one class, so that's at least something. I have to get the final grades for each of the ones I've been teaching in by December 22, but I hope to get it done earlier than that. We'll see how it goes. At least I've been keeping up on all of that pretty well. I'm trying not to feel too stressed, but that's tough.

When that's all done, I'm going to try and put school way out of my mind. That won't be easy, but I'll do my best. I think I deserve a little bit of a break from that. Relaxing sounds very good right about now. This is the most stressed I've been at school, and it'll likely be this way all the way through grad school. I'm trying not to let that get to me too much. I feel very bad that I don't get to spend as much quality time with Skyler as I want to, but I'll make up for it as much as possible during the break. I make as much time as possible for him during the weekends, but it never seems like enough. Sometimes I feel like a bust as a dad.

I guess with that I'll go get Bridget moving to write her post. I don't think she's thought about it at all. She's been pretty busy herself, and since she nudged me last time, I owe her.

blackmasque@gmail.com — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 00:34:49 GMT

I guess I should get this done since Bridget pulled me over here. I hadn't realized it'd been so long, but time has been kind of a blur for me lately. I've been busy with school, including the classes I teach. Grading papers has taken up a big chunk of time. The professor in one of the classes loves having the students write essays, and those take a lot of time to grade. They're also pretty hard to grade, considering how subjective it can be. So far I guess I've done all right, though.

It is getting a little tiring making the long drive twice a day. It's not terrible, but it would be nice not to have to spend so much time driving. It not only gets tedious, but it takes a lot of gas. It would be nice not to have to spend so much money on that. That's life, though.

I have been working on Christmas stuff, too. It's a good way to spend my spare time. I like planning presents and buying them. Most of all, I like watching Tamika get all excited about it. She's already planning on decorating, and has put up a few lights in her room. We're going to get a small tree for her to put in there as well. She's very excited about that. We're going to get one of the ones that is in a pot that can be planted after Christmas so it doesn't die. She's already decided where to plant it. She wants to get a special top for the tree, though she can't decide between angel and star. I guess she'll just have to see which one of those jumps out at her when we go shopping for it.

Duante seems to be getting into the season a little more than usual himself. He's trying to come up with something very special for Penny, but is having a hard time deciding. I know how hard that can be. I'm just glad to see him doing better and having good things on his mind. Penny's been so good for him. He even smiles a lot, which he's never really done. It's kind of amazing, actually.

Okay, I have three more essays to grade, and then I have to catch up on my reading. I'll be glad to have a four day weekend for Thanksgiving, and it might even turn into a five day weekend if I'm lucky. Then winter break will be very nice to have. I'll try to do better keeping up on this thing.

blackmasque@gmail.com — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 02:41:15 GMT

I've been so busy that I almost forgot about this. School's been a lot of work, and I lose track of time easily. I'm enjoying it, though. It's been a lot of fun and it's very interesting. I just wish I had a little more time to breathe. I'm at least staying caught up with things, and I'm a little ahead in my reading, so that helps.

It looks like Duante and Tamika are coming down with whatever bug's going around. I hope they don't get it too badly. Tamika's hard to slow down, but she was wanting to sleep more today than usual. Duante didn't even want to get out of bed, and he's having a little bit of a hard time talking. Hopefully they both get over it soon. Penny brought over some homemade soup for them, which was really nice of her. I think Duante ate some only because she asked him nicely and he can't turn her down for anything. He's not been wanting to eat much at all. He has to though, so if we have to call her up to get her to talk to him about it more often, we will.

It looks like Bridget might have it too, but it doesn't seem as bad, at least at this point. She says her throat's bugging her and she has a little headache, but she's still got the energy to run around and talk to people about Halloween stuff. And Gayle's birthday is this weekend, so she's spent time out shopping for that. I have to do some of that myself. Time crunches can be a pain.

I have to try and make time this weekend to go to the fair, too. Lots of people are planning on going, so hopefully people feel better by then. Tamika really wants to go and see the animals and eat elephant ears. She has so much fun at those kinds of things. Dad's going to make sure to give Top Hat some extra money because he loves to stop and buy Tamika things when he sees something that'll make her smile.

Okay, I think I need to go grab something to eat and check on my ailing siblings. I hope everyone's doing well.

blackmasque@gmail.com — Tue, 25 Aug 2009 03:44:58 GMT

Today was my first day of grad school. It was weird going to another school, and weirder making that long drive both ways. It wasn't a bad drive, but winter will be interesting.

I'm trying not to feel too overwhelmed with it all. I've got a teaching assistanceship going, which is nice because it pays and it gives me credit. I have to take 18 credits of that in a semester plus at least one graded course, although I'm taking two this semester. I'll see how well I do with that to decide if I'm going to cut back to one next time.

So that leaves me with a lot of work, but I only have to actually attend one class. I got lucky getting the teaching assistanceship, because a lot of people want one. There's also a research assistanceship, but I prefer the teaching one, at least for now. I got letters of recommendation from each of my professors at EWU and backed it up with ones from my professors at Idaho State, so I got my choice of which to do. I have to help teach some classes and do grading and a bunch of other things, but I think I'll have fun with it.

I'm trying to decide how far I want to go with this. I could go all the way to PhD, but I don't know yet. That's a lot more school and a lot more money, although I get financial aid and can probably get some scholarships. I try to avoid loans whenever I can. Being a teaching assistant will be a lot of help with the money too. PhD seems really daunting right now, but it's also tempting. It's a tough decision, and I want to make it soon so I can plan my courses accordingly. I am taking the thesis option instead of the non-thesis option. I need that to get the PhD, so that way I have it covered if I need it. I have a couple of ideas for a thesis that I'm going to discuss with my advisor, so we'll see where that goes.

Bridget seemed to have fun going with me today, which was cool. She had to entertain herself for quite awhile since I had a lot of things I had to do, which I felt bad about, but she insisted on going with me. Joseph's made noises about going occasionally as well, at least before EWU starts up. Nobody seems to want me to make the drive alone. I want to take Duante at some point so maybe he might feel a little interest in going to college, but we'll see. He'll have to get his GED, but I know he can do it. Hopefully something will spark for him. Right now he's kind of in limbo, and as much as he tries to hide it, I know him well enough to know that he's not satisfied with everything. In fact, I think the only thing he's really satisfied with is his relationship with Penny. I'm happy to see them together. I think she'll help him stay grounded, and maybe get him to take more of an interest in things.

I'm going to go do some reading now and try to get ahead with that. I have to give some thought to class discussions too since I'll be leading some, so that'll be interesting. I'm pretty hyped about all of this, so life's going pretty well right now. Let's hope that doesn't jinx me saying that.

blackmasque@gmail.com — Sat, 15 Aug 2009 15:09:54 GMT

Good morning, everyone. Good so far, that is. Of course, I just got up, so it's hard to say how it'll go. I hear Tamika running around and laughing already, so I think that's a good sign.

I actually slept pretty well last night, which isn't a common thing these days. I think maybe the fact that it's been cooling down has helped, even if there is air conditioning here. It's not as humid, so that's a good thing. I can't believe that it's fifty degrees in August.

I've been picking things up for school, and I think I'm almost done. I just need to get my books, which I won't be doing until the first day. They're going to be pricey, so I'm glad I have financial aid to take care of it. It's sad that textbooks cost so much when most people never open them again after the class is over. I will, but I'm weird that way.

I have to take my car in next week to get a tuneup to make sure it's going to be all right for the drive. I'll be getting the oil changed too, so hopefully it'll work out. I don't want to have to spend too much money fixing it up, but I think it'll be fine. If it looks like it'll get too expensive, Doug's brother Trey offered to help with it for just parts. I'd hate to not pay him for the labor, though. I know how much work goes into that kind of thing, even if I don't know how to do much with cars besides the basics. I'm not going to worry about tires until I have to get snow tires on since the ones I have on now were new as of last year.

My dad keeps reminding me of things that have to be done, but I think part of that is nervousness. He's feeling that way quite a bit lately, and I've been trying to reassure him that it'll be fine. Bridget's been worrying a lot too, and insists on coming with me at least some of the time. I know I won't mind the company. She can keep me awake if I happen to get tired. She's very good at that.

I'm kind of hoping we don't have a lot of snow this winter. I like it, so it's hard to not want it, but the drive could be a big pain if there is a lot. Of course, I'm sure my professors will understand if I don't go on bad days, so I'm sure it'll be fine. I'm used to driving in the snow, so I'm not too worried about it.

Tamika just knocked on my door to tell me breakfast is ready, so I'm going to go eat. If I don't, she might just come in and drag me out. She's been practicing her cooking.

blackmasque@gmail.com — Fri, 31 Jul 2009 06:51:25 GMT

I guess I should do this, huh? Bridget reminded me earlier today, or I probably would've forgotten. I just haven't been in the mood for much of anything lately. I won't make this a long entry so I don't pull anyone down or anything, but I don't want to not make it.

Life's just been kind of there lately. Problems here and there have been a pain, and I've been very stressed. I try not to let it bring me down, but it's hard sometimes. At least I have people like Tamika and Bridget in my life to help keep things from getting too far down there.

It's hard to believe that I start grad school in less than a month. Classes start August 24. I hope I'm ready for this. I don't feel very ready right now. It's going to be strange getting used to a new school again, especially when I'll be making a long drive each way. Hopefully gas prices don't go too high again. I'd need a second job just to pay for it.

I'm just going to try and get some sleep now. Sorry for a worthless entry, but I just don't feel very communicative right now. I'll try to do better next time.

blackmasque@gmail.com — Sat, 20 Jun 2009 10:52:06 GMT

I woke up a few minutes ago and can't fall back to sleep again yet, so I'll get this done. Maybe it'll help put me to sleep. You nver know, I guess.

Things are still pretty chaotic, although it comes in cycles. The cycles that are calmer aren't very long, though. It's kind of fun watching all the things going on with water (and other substance) fights, but just watching can get old, too. Hopefully I'll be able to take part at some point this summer. I hate being stuck.

Tamika's been having a great time, though. People are very careful not to douse her much, although she likes to be on that end of things too. They just have to be careful with the non-water things. Nobody wants to get her all sticky, or icked up, as Hacker puts it. Top Hat's gotten it a couple of times, but he enjoys it. He'll eat the pudding right off his clothes if we let him. I'm glad everyone has so much fun.

I'm hoping that I at least get to work part of the summer. I want to save money, and it's hard not working. I've done it every summer for as long as I've been able to, doing whatever work I could find. I at least know I can go back to the same job, but job security only goes so far. If the doctor says I can't work, then I'm stuck at home. I guess I just have to deal with whatever happens. That's how I've always done things, and it's gotten me this far.

It's hard to believe that I'll be going to grad school so soon. I'm hoping to be as close to a hundred percent as possible by then, especially since I have to drive so far. Everyone worries about that, but I'm sure it'll be fine. I can handle it without a problem, barring outside circumstances. I'll just have to be extra careful if we have a big winter like the last one. I like to drive, at least.

There's not much else really going on right now. Skyler's been keeping me busy and distracted, and so has Bridget. There are no better distractions then those two. Bridget's always finding something to do with me so I don't get too bored, and I like spending the extra time with her. She's just the best.

Well, before I start to drone on and on about things and bore you all with complaints, I think I'll try listening to some music and see how that works. I hope you're all doing well, and having a great summer.

blackmasque@gmail.com — Mon, 25 May 2009 05:43:56 GMT

Umm, do women have to put half naked pictures of themselves on their Facebook so that you see them when they want to friend you?

blackmasque@gmail.com — Mon, 25 May 2009 03:24:55 GMT

I wish whoever had the idea to put jello in water and let it partly set before tossing it at someone hadn't had it. Jello can get really sticky and gross. I've learned this now.

I should be careful about leaving the house. I should really be careful about who I'm around when I leave the house. Some people are natural targets, and if you're near them, that makes you one too. At least it's nothing a shower can't deal with, although it's a pain to get it in your hair.

Bridget has payback plans for the person who did it. It's good to have her around, because I'm bad at payback. I'm not a plotter, and I feel bad when I try to plot against people, unless it's Duante. I'm supposed to plot against him, after all.

I've managed to actually get my homework all done for the weekend. The good part of that is that it means I have tomorrow completely free. I'm going to read ahead a little tonight to make sure I don't have as much to do on Tuesday. At least reading doesn't take a lot of effort, and I can do that when I go to bed. It's quiet then.

I ended up getting a Facebook account because people here have been getting them and Tamika saw Bridget and then others playing some game on there she likes. I made the account so she could play that game, which she's really loving a lot. She gets to make a cute pet and dress it and buy things for it and all that. Someone gave her a top hat for her pet to wear, so that excited her a lot. Top Hat sits next to her and watches her play. They're so cool together. She told him he should make a pet too, but that would require someone else making a Facebook account for it. I'm not sure how many more people are going to do that, especially people who don't want to play that game so he can do it if he wants to. I know Mike made an account so he could stay in touch with an old friend of everyone's, which is why a lot of people got accounts, and then Mike is letting Rafiq play the game on his account. He started that last night and I guess it's helped keep Rafiq distracted. He's been having a hard time of it lately. I feel bad for him. He can't seem to catch a break.

I guess that's about it. I'm going to go see if the chaos has calmed down at all. Probably not. It's been going on all weekend, so why stop now?

Happy Memorial Day to everyone.

blackmasque@gmail.com — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 13:11:20 GMT

I can't believe that it's already almost May. I feel like I lost a week or two in there somewhere. I usually don't put off posting for this long. I guess all the work I've had piled on me made me lose track of time.

There's just been a lot of work for school that I've had to do. I had to cut back my hours at work because of it, or I might not get any sleep. As it is, I don't get much. That's okay, though. I'm almost done with being an undergraduate. That's still a strange feeling. I'll definitely be glad to take advantage of the homeworkless summer. It'll be nice to just kick back and relax. I feel bad because right now my time playing with Skyler seems almost nonexistent. I know we do spend quite a bit of time having fun, but it just feels totally overshadowed by school. I'm going to make up for it several times over this summer.

I also feel like I almost never get to see Bridget. She's got quite a bit of work herself, so that cuts back on the us time. We do what we can, but it's tough. I have some plans for this summer for her and me too, so it'll be a nice break.

I don't think I said, but Skyler's living with me right now. It's nothing I can go into in any detail, but Wanda's been having some troubles and it's just best this way. There have been some big changes, but again, I can't go into them. Or I guess I could, but I just don't want to. Suffice it to say that I've kind of become his main parent for now. That's weird for me, but I can't say as I'm upset to have the added work. I like doing things for him. I just wish that it didn't have to be the way it is right now. I want things to get straightened out soon.

Enough of that, though. I don't want to say too much or get people thinking too many things. I really should go and get some things done before I head to school. Skyler should be up any minute now, so I need to make sure I'm ready to go so I can spend as much time with him while he's awake as possible.

blackmasque@gmail.com — Sat, 11 Apr 2009 21:09:49 GMT

Since I actually finished my homework a lot earlier than I expected, and since I'm going to have a whole lot more next week, I thought I should do this before I forget.

It's been my busiest quarter ever. I'm taking my capstone and a couple of other classes, and there just seems to be no end to the homework and studying. I'm going to be relieved when the quarter's over, especially since I'll be graduating. That's a weird thing to think about, although not as weird as knowing I'll be in grad school soon. I guess I should get used to all this work since grad school's likely to have a lot more.

I actually managed to pull a 3.1 in the class I had problems with last quarter. It was lower than I wanted, but higher than I expected it to be. The professor accepted my copy of the paper there was the dispute over, and graded it instead of giving it to the TA. It was a 3.8 paper before she took off points for it being late. It sucks that it had to be done, but the professor couldn't not penalize me for that and be fair to everyone else. I'm glad I ate least didn't get stuck with the D I originally got. Add that paper to the assignment that got lost somehow and not graded and I guess I should feel lucky to get the final grade I ended up with. I have that professor again this quarter, along with the same TA, but the professor told me to go ahead and give everything to her and she'll grade it. I don't know whether or not she believes that the TA did anything, but I'm pretty sure that's what happened. I'm grateful to her for doing it this way for me. I've gotten a couple of dirty looks from the TA when I see him, but there's nothing I can do about that. That's life, I guess.

Other than school, things have been pretty good. Tamika's all excited about Easter tomorrow. She loves these holidays, and she's been coloring eggs all day at different people's houses. She gets invited to them all to help, so she's been very busy. When I saw her about an hour ago, she had dye all over one side of her face and in her hair, but she was having a great time. I wish everyone could be as happy as she is all the time. The world would be a much better place.

Duante's doing quite a bit better himself. He's actually gotten involved in a few of the fun things that go on with people around here, and that makes me feel much better. I've been so worried about him for so long that this is a big relief. Penny's been very good for him, and he's been very good for her. She even made him his own personal cake that she brought over this morning. It's shaped and decorated just like an Easter egg. If they end up staying together as a couple, he's going to be fat in no time. I told him that and he threw a handful of the cake at me. I at least got that out of the deal. It's a good cake.

I guess now we just have to find someone to set my dad up with and we'll all have someone special. I wonder how easy that'll be. I'm not a matchmaker, though. I should talk to some people more in tune with that kind of thing. Who knows? Maybe it'll work.

I'm going to give Bridget a call and see what's going on with her. She's probably coloring eggs alongside Tamika. Maybe I can talk her into taking a late lunch break. I don't think that'll be too hard.

Happy Easter to everyone who celebrates it.

blackmasque@gmail.com — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 23:35:48 GMT

It's Spring Break, finally, and I'm spending it worried about my grades. I usually don't have to worry about that, but the one class is really stressing me out. There's nothing I can do about it, but I still can't stop worrying. I'm not going to stop until I actually see what grade I got. Hopefully that'll be soon.

I also got off work early and am taking care of Bridget, since she's not feeling well. She hasn't got the flu as bad as some, but she's still feeling pretty crappy. Tamika and Duante both have it as well, Tamika being a lot sicker. She's got Top Hat and dad taking care of her, along with anyone else who goes by the house, so she's covered. Top Hat can't do a lot since he's pretty sick too, although he tries. I did end up sleeping with her part of the night last night since I got up and heard her coughing really bad. She clung to me and wouldn't let go.

I'm thinking that next year everyone should get flu shots. I know people were meaning to this year, but I guess nobody got around to it. We should do what we can to make sure of it next year, although we say that every year. I guess we'll see what happens.

It's hard to believe that I have only one quarter left until I graduate. Well, if I pass that one class, that is. That always comes up, doesn't it? Sorry about that. The whole idea of being in grad school next year is kind of weird. Fewer classes, but probably more work. I don't mind the work at all, at least. I have a lot of fun with my classes usually. Sometimes it can be a drag, especially when I want to spend time with Skyler or Bridget or whatever, but I can usually compensate by doing a lot of the work at night. I just hope it doesn't get too much in the way. I'm a little nervous about it, especially since I'll be going to a different school and all. Long commute, which will throw away more time, but EWU just doesn't offer graduate studies in Sociology. I just have to live with it.

I'm going to go sit with Bridget now. She wants to watch some zombie movie with me. I try to get into them, but it gets hard sometimes. But it makes her happy, so it's okay with me.

blackmasque@gmail.com — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 07:33:07 GMT

I decided to take a homework break. I should've been done with everything before now, but things just kept coming up to interrupt me. I don't usually let that happen, but I couldn't seem to help it this weekend. I guess we all have times when we're like that. School and everything that go with it have been pretty stressful lately, so maybe that's why I'm letting myself slack a bit. I need to stop doing that. It's no excuse.

All I have left to do now is a paper, and it's about halfway done. That leaves me around five pages more to do. I'll probably be up all night with it at this rate, but I will get it done. Things with my last paper for this class left a bad taste in my mouth since nothing got resolved, so I'm kind of stressing over this one. If I have anymore screw-ups, my grade is really going to suffer for it. It already is, but not to the extent it will if there's any problem with this one. The last one was worth only a small percentage of my grade. This one's worth twenty-five percent. That's a big chunk, especially when considering the other paper and a lost assignment. I need this one to go well.

I talked to the supervisor at my internship about the incident with that one woman, just like Topaz suggested. I went back the next day to do it, and now that case has been transferred to someone else. That bothers me since I was enjoying talking to and helping Leona, but it's for the best, considering. Her sister came with her just one more time after that, and I haven't seen her since. That's probably a very good thing. I just wish there hadn't been any problem to begin with. I guess that goes without saying, though.

On the bright side of everything, Duante seems to be doing quite a bit better. While he still spends a lot of time alone in his room, he's come out more often than usual. We were all pretty shocked when we found out he'd asked Penny out for Valentine's Day, but happy about it, too. Since then he's spent quite a bit of time with her, and he asked her out again for next weekend. It seems that things are finally turning around for him, and that's a big relief. I'm glad to see him finally letting himself have fun. Penny's been very good for him, and we all think they're good together. That's all three of us that have our someone special (and yeah, I'll go out on a limb and say that's how it is with Duante and Penny. It just feels right). Maybe my dad will find a woman he'll enjoy spending time with. That'd be cool. He sure deserves to have something like that, and I know he gets pretty lonely sometimes. Now that he doesn't have to be as distracted with us, maybe he'll let it happen. I guess we'll see.

Back to homework, I guess. I usually don't dread it like this. I'll be glad when this quarter's over. Hopefully the next one will be luckier for me.

blackmasque@gmail.com — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 07:32:13 GMT

This has not been my best quarter at school, and for more than one reason. Everything seems to be wanting to go wrong, and it's tough to deal with it all.

I got a paper back today that I worked hard on. It was five pages long and twenty-five percent of my grade in that class. Well, I got a D on it. I don't get Ds. I don't usually even get Bs. But for some reason, I got a D on this one. What I really don't understand is the fact that the paper I got back wsan't the same as the one I wrote. I mean, it was the same in some ways, but things had been changed. I looked at the copy I saved on my computer since I always keep them, and there were changes made. I don't know how that happened, but I didn't do it. The TA who corrected it was clueless and no help at all, so I'm going to talk to the professor tomorrow and take her a copy of the paper I saved on a CD. I don't know if anything will come of it since I could've obviously made changes, but I don't know what else to do. It's just weird. I'd say maybe I messed up without realizing it and just didn't save those changes, but that doesn't make any sense. Besides, it automatically saves every little while. I don't know. I'm probably going to have to swallow the grade, and I don't know what to do about it. That's going to mess up my grade. I know I've been really distracted lately, but still. It doesn't help that one assignment that I'm sure I turned in can't be found anywhere. Maybe I'm going crazy.

Then I went to my internship after school, and that got all messed up. It started out fine, but I ended up talking to a really nice woman named Leona who's mildly retarded and blind in one eye. She's twenty-four years old and finally working on getting a place of her own. She wants to be independent, and her parents are a little edgy about it but not much. Her older sister was with her today since her parents couldn't get off work to take her to the appointment. I hadn't met her sister before, but she seemed pretty nice. I just talked to Leona for awhile, discussing the help we can get her in adjusting to living on her own. She had to use the restroom though, and since following physical directions is important for her, I gave her the directions to the restroom so she could get there on her own. I watched while she did, and she made it okay.

The problem came when I sat down and her sister started to talk to me. She leaned forward and put her hand on my thigh, which was uncomfortable enough, but she squeezed it once too, and that seriously set off alarms. I guess I got flustered, and I stood up and told her I needed to watch for her sister, and when I moved past her to do that, she kind of patted my butt. Okay, typing that was seriously embarrassing. But that's what happened, and I don't suppose it could've been an accident. I just got through the rest of all that as quickly as I could, and then sent them home.

Luckily, that was my last meeting of the day, so I got to come home. I tried to do some homework, but I'm having a hard time thinking right now. I hope this was just an isolated bad day. I don't think I could take another one like this. I don't have to work at my internship until Thursday, but I have a test Wednesday, and I have to be able to think straight for it. I'm so close to graduating. I don't want anything to mess this up.

I guess I should try studying again or something. Or maybe I'll try and get some extra sleep. I don't know. We'll see.

blackmasque@gmail.com — Tue, 10 Feb 2009 18:16:41 GMT

I'm confused. And I'm feeling bad. I don't know what to do about it.

I'm not who I thought I was. Or I'm not who I used to be. I don't know. I've been thinking about some things the past few hours and I can't help thinking I'm not as good a person as I thought I was. It's even more proof that I didn't even really think about it much until now. I'm not sure I'm a very good person at all.

I thought I knew what I want and maybe I do but I don't know. I'm just feeling lost right now. If I was the only one who was going to get hurt by this it wouldn't be such a big deal. But I'm not. At least one other person will get hurt no matter what and that makes me feel like crap. I don't want to hurt anyone.

I know none of this makes sense to anyone reading it, and I'm sorry. I'd ask for advice, but it's not something I feel at all comfortable talking about, not even to someone like my dad, who I talk with about almost anything. Please, nobody who reads this who lives here ask me about it. I can't talk about it. I shouldn't probably even be writing this, and I'm not sure why I am.

I'd go away, but it wouldn't solve anything. I wish it would, because I don't deserve to be around here with all these good people.

I'm going to go now. I'm skipping class and finding somewhere to go and feel sick for awhile. Maybe I'll be lucky enough to have a black hole come swallow me up.

blackmasque@gmail.com — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 14:59:25 GMT

I got up early to do some extra homework and finished it earlier than I expected, so I figured I might as well make a post. Things are going to be getting busier soon, so it's better to get it done now than forget later

This quarter's been going pretty well so far. It's my next to last quarter before I graduate, so I guess I'm a little nervous. I've applied for grad school at WSU since they don't offer a Master's in Sociology at EWU, so it'll be a longer trip for me. I think it's between an hour to an hour and a half each way, but I'm not completely sure. My dad's a little worried about it with all the stuff that's gone on, but it'll be fine. I doubt anyone will want to bug me, and if they do, I'm sure someone will be with me like they are out at Eastern, at least unless things change for the better. I wish EWU offered the Master's, but that's how it goes.

I'm doing an internship this quarter, and it's pretty interesting. I'm working at a place that counsels disabled people who need help adjusting to things like living on their own. I've met some interesting people there, and it's always nice to see them get excited about the possibilities available to them. They want to be independent just like anyone else, and we get to help them work through all their anxieties and get it moving. There have been a couple where there are overbearing parents involved who just can't believe that their kid, even though an adult, is able to be on his or her own, so they're causing problems as much as they can. They just don't think ahead to the fact that they're probably not going to outlive their kid, so they figure that they'll be able to always do it all. Overprotectiveness can be difficult to deal with. They're not doing their kid any favors by coddling them and not letting them deal with things, but they see it as being good parents. It's hard to get upset with them about it since they're doing it because they love their kid, but they need to get it through their heads that independence is a good thing. That paragraph really sucked with all the pronouns.

It gets stressful working there sometimes, even though it hasn't been that long for me, but it's something I really enjoy doing. I love seeing people reach for the brass ring and go for their dreams. Everyone should be able to do that. Dreams are important, and if you don't get a chance to reach for them, then life isn't as worthwhile.

Sometimes I guess it's hard to know what your dream really is, though. Things cloud it and you get confused and flounder. Not knowing what you really want, seriously, in your heart, is hard. You should know, but circumstances happen that confuse you and just make it all so tough. What do you do then? How do you figure it out? I wish I knew.

I think I'm going to get some breakfast and read ahead a little. You never know when something will come up to keep you from keeping up, so it's good to get ahead. Or maybe I'll just sleep another hour. I don't know. I'll figure it out when it's time.

blackmasque@gmail.com — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 16:42:16 GMT

This is very strange. It's the first day of the quarter an school's been cancelled. I have to admit, I didn't expect that. Eastern doesn't close down very often.

I guess the streets and sidewalks are just too full of snow. It's so high, and cars are having a hard time finding places off the road to park. They don't want people parking on the streets and blocking things off. Piles of snow from snow plows and stuff are just really high, and that fact kept the school districts in the area from opening. They don't want kids walking in the streets to get to school. It's been a strange winter. Bridget's happy though, which I'm sure everyone can tell from her journal entry. She called me when she found out Eastern would be closed and she was all bubbly and happy about it that I couldn't understand half of what she said. She's so cute.

Tamika's happy with all the snow. She's been having a lot of fun with it. There's always someone willing to go out and play with her, which is good, since Top Hat gets cold pretty easily. He still goes out with her a lot, but sometimes he just wants to stay curled up in a blanket. He goes if she asks, though. All he seems to want to do is make her happy. I guess that makes him a good choice for her. There was never any doubt about that, though.

I'm probably going to pick up a few hours of work today since there's no school. It can be a pain, especially with my leg aching a lot, but extra money is always good. Besides, it keeps Mike from having to go out alone to clear video cameras and all that. His arm doesn't like the cold very much either, although he doesn't say anything to anyone about it. It's just easy to tell when he's out there clearing snow. Of course, I guess now everyone here will know since I put it here. Oh well.

I'm going to get some breakfast and then get going. Happy 2009 to everyone. Take care.

blackmasque@gmail.com — Sun, 21 Dec 2008 17:44:09 GMT

It's been an interesting few days. The weather's been totally wild, and that makes for some excitement all around. Tamika loves all the snow, and she goes out to play in it as often as possible with Top Hat. It's just really cute. She's been sledding, worked on building snowmen, and some of the guys came over and helped her build a snow fort. She has a very good time with snowball fights, and somehow always manages to come out on top. I wonder why.

I used to dread snow when we lived in Coeur d'Alene and Pocatello. Our apartment never did heat up quite right and so we were always at least somewhat cold, and in college it was no fun walking around with an inadequate coat and no boots. Now we can actually sit back and enjoy it, and it's a lot of fun. Even Duante has lightened up with it. I hope that's a good sign. My biggest Christmas wish is that he goes back to being himself. I miss the old Duante.

The snow has made work very busy, though. I went to full time for the Christmas break, and we've had to deal with weather issues. We put in a lot of things like outdoor security cameras, and we've had to go around and deal with the ice and snow on them to make sure they continue to function correctly. A few have had to be replaced due to the snow. There's been extra work because of it, but at least that's extra money. It could've been a lot worse. There's still more crazy weather due, so it might. I guess we'll see. My leg isn't very happy with me going out and about at all, especially with having to walk on slippery surfaces. I've almost fallen several times, but so far, so good. Here's hoping it stays that way.

All of my Christmas shopping is done. I finished it on Friday, and it's nice to have finished. Some people were a little trickier to buy for, but I think I managed. I can't wait to see how Bridget likes hers, and it's always fun to watch Tamika tear into packages. Then there's Skyler, of course. I love watching little kids on Christmas morning. He's got so many presents, it might take him days to open them. He's so spoiled. Only a few days left. It's nice to get excited about Christmas instead of tense and worried.

I hope all of you have a great Christmas. Let's hope it runs smoothly and happily for everyone.

blackmasque@gmail.com — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 13:09:50 GMT

I have an early final today, and I've been up almost all night studying, but I can't even seem to think straight. I keep rereading the same things and not being able remember stuff that should be easy. I've tried pounding my head a few times, but that hasn't worked. I think I'm doomed. I don't want to be doomed. I hate not getting good grades, but I'm floundering here. I don't know how to fix my brain. Any ideas for quick fixes would appreciated very much.

On a lighter note, Joseph's new baby is really cute. He's funny to watch when he's wandering around totally clueless. I think he's in a daze. I remember the feeling. I wonder if I acted like him when Skyler was born. I hope not.

I know he's going to be a good father. He's worried about that, but I think every parent worries that they're going to screw up and ruin everything. It gets better, but it never goes completely away. It's still worth having kids, though. Being a parent is the best job in the world. I'm looking forward to see Skyler on Christmas now that he's becoming more aware of things. In a couple of years, he'll be like Madison and others who go around talking constantly about Christmas trees and Santa Claus and presents. That should be cool to see, but then, it's cool to watch him now whenever he sees Christmas lights and trees. He's not completely sure what they're there for, but he loves them. We'll be getting one up before too long, so that'll thrill him. Now we just need to keep him out of the presents. He's learned to rip open packages quickly and efficiently.

Bridget's feeling better lately, although she's still having problems here and there. She's out of her casts, and that makes her happy, but she still gets achy sometimes and isn't supposed to exert herself too much. That's hard for her, considering how active she is. She's awfully cute, though. She gets almost as excited about Christmas as Halloween. She loves to shake packages and listen to them and try to guess what they are. Of course, she usually guesses something completely outlandish, like formaldehyde, body parts, and stuff like that, which makes it even cuter. Have I told you all lately how great Bridget is?

I suppose I should stop stalling and get back to studying. Maybe I'll get lucky and it will stick in my subconscious, coming out when the test hits the desk. I still have a feeling of impending doom, though. Maybe Bridget is rubbing off on me. Wish me luck.

blackmasque@gmail.com — Sun, 30 Nov 2008 07:41:22 GMT

I haven't felt much like updating, but I figured I should get it done since there are only a couple of days left. I've been pretty distracted with school work and personal stuff lately, which is probably not anything anyone wants to hear about.

Thanksgiving was nice, though. Tamika had a lot of fun, especially since she got to help with the cooking and baking again. She loves making pies and always makes a special one for Top Hat with ketchup. Needless to say, no one else will eat that one, so he gets it all to himself. She loves doing that for him. They're just very cool together. He's made her really happy, and she's done the same for him. I guess some couples were just meant to be. They're definitely one of those.

Duante was able to relax for awhile too, so I'm glad about that. He let himself have fun and he doesn't do that very often. He even got into the food fight when someone accidentally got him with some mashed potatoes. I'm happy he was able to play like that. Maybe it's a sign for the future. I hope so. He deserves to have things go right for him.

I'm trying hard to come up with a special present for Bridget for Christmas. She's been through so much, and I've been feeling like a bad boyfriend lately. She deserves better than I've been giving her the past while. I just don't feel very adequate these days. There are actual reasons for that, but again, I'm not going to go into it. I hope I can get past it soon. She needs that.

I guess that's it. I don't have much else to talk about. I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving.

blackmasque@gmail.com — Thu, 06 Nov 2008 06:15:42 GMT

I know people are probably tired of reading about the election and all, considering how long everything seemed to drag on and how dirty it got. But it's hard not to talk about for some of us. It's given us a good feeling that's really hard to ignore, and it's natural to want to share that, you know?

There's been a lot of talking about it around here since last night. Everyone I know, no matter what race they are, voted for Obama. I think that's cool. He seems like a very good guy and I think he's got the potential to be a great president.

While in some ways color doesn't matter, in others it does. I think the major way there is that it shows us how far African Americans have come over the years. My dad's told me stories of how it used to be, and while it can get pretty unpleasant these days, it's nothing like before. With a black president, maybe it'll get better faster now. I hope so. I want to see Skyler grow up in a world where he's not going to have to fight as hard as so many others have.

I guess it's hard to be patient about some things. It's even harder when you have to face people like the Masters, who do awful things to "prove" how much better they are just because of the color of their skin. I don't understand how things like that can make sense to anyone. Nobody's any better or worse than anyone else just because of some physical trait. It's stupid to think they are.

That's enough about that. I don't want to belabor the point, and other people say it far better than I do.

Bridget's getting better slowly. She was really bummed and frustrated that she had to have help getting around on Halloween, and before that too. She's better now that the Halloween stuff is all done. She at least got to supervise the rest of the decorations, and she went out with us to have some fun that night. Skyler had a good time going from house to house, and he looked so cute. It's just amazing to see how fast he grows. Being a dad's a cool job. Best there is, I think.

School's going all right. I've gotten some dirty looks from that guy I talked about in one of my classes, but he hasn't done anything beyond that. I'm still grateful to the Rippers for being there and helping out, even if it does make me feel like I'm being paranoid. Better safe than sorry, right?

I should get a little more studying done. It's been crazy enough around here that it's been tough to get some time to do it, so now that it's quieter, I need to buckle down.

blackmasque@gmail.com — Tue, 07 Oct 2008 01:51:38 GMT

It was a pretty good weekend, and it was almost a shame to have to go to school today. Of course, I've been dreading it lately, so that's probably part of it. Tomorrow is my class with the guy who was making those drawings, so I guess we'll see how that goes. The professor was going to talk to him about it, so hopefully there won't be anymore trouble. It's reassuring to have a Ripper going with me too, so I have some backup and don't have to worry as much.

My birthday was fun. There was a big party, and it was nice to have a break from everything. I'm still not used to having parties like that, but it's nice. Even Duante came out to have fun, and that made me happier than anything. I hope that's a good sign for him. I worry about him a lot.

After my party, Bridget took me out and we had some fun. We went to Riverfront Park and did some things there, then went for a long walk along the river. It was very peaceful and nice, even if it was a little chilly. It was nice to just be able to go out and forget about all the bad stuff for awhile. Bridget's very good at making me do that. She's just a lot of fun to be around and can always make me laugh. I need to come up with something great for her birthday. I at least have a few months to think on it.

I need to go study now. I want to read the next couple of chapters in one of my books so I can concentrate on the other class for awhile. And I really need to get going on figuring out what to do my thesis on. I'm probably going to do something regarding gangs, I think. That could be interesting, and I have a lot of sources to use. I think I'll look into that.

blackmasque@gmail.com — Sun, 17 Aug 2008 09:37:44 GMT

Has anyone heard of a new movie that's coming out soon called "Tropic Thunder?" I've been hearing about it for a couple of days now, and it's bugging me.

For people who haven't heard of it, it's about actors who take the idea of being successful seriously enough that you have one wearing blackface, and then one who emulates a mentally disabled person. They throw the word "retard" around left and right, and in one scene an actor tells the other that he shouldn't go "full retard" because people like that don't win awards, only those who only go partly "retard." I guess there are already shirts coming out with the phrase "Don't go full retard" or something like that on them.

I've read over reviews and criticisms and all that, and there are special rights groups who are picketing and protesting it, but there are also those who say that it's not making fun of the intellectually challenged, but of self-important actors and all that.

I don't think there's any reason for this. I know there isn't any reason for a lot of movies out there, but this offends me. I think it's wrong to use this as comedy material. Even if it is supposed to parody self-important actors, it's not right to do it this way. It's not funny. It's not right. I can't come up with one good reason for it, especially since it's a comedy. If they wanted to do a real, serious portrayal of actors who go to lengths like that for it, that might be different, if handled with real compassion. But doing it for laughs? How is that right?

I guess it's no surprise that I'm against it. But if anyone can explain to me in reasonable terms how this is okay, I'm willing to listen. I just don't think it can be done.

blackmasque@gmail.com — Sat, 02 Aug 2008 21:58:39 GMT

My turn to post, I guess. I'd like to avoid being the one who loses the challenge.

It's been a pretty good summer so far. There's still about a month and a half before school starts for me again, so that's nice. I've been working for Randy and Evan again, and it's been kind of fun. The work is interesting, at least most of the time, and it pays pretty well. I've started to put aside money for Christmas. With all the people to buy for, it's a good idea to start shopping early, too.

Duante's still in a funk, although he's at least gotten a little into having fun here and there. Tamika's excitement is infectious, so he doesn't have much choice. She spends a lot of time working on cheering him up. He even got involved in a water fight a little over a week ago. I think that's a good sign. I hope he keeps that up. A few of us have been plotting to start another one and pull him in. Water fights around here are a big thing. There's no sticking at one house, or even one block. It's all over the place, and just about anyone is a potential target. My dad found that out.

Duante still says he doesn't care about his future. He wouldn't try summer school, and at the moment he's dismissing any idea of getting his GED. Both Randy and Evan said that he's welcome to take my place at work when school starts since I got to part-time then, but I don't know if he'll do it. We'll see, I guess. I just want him to start caring. Right now I'm not sure he feels like he's going to have a future. That scares me. I keep having nightmares about him killing himself.

Bridget's already starting to make plans about Halloween. She's so cute. She's been talking about us decorating all of the houses in different themes and going all out on them. I love to watch her talk about it. She gets so excited, and she gets others excited about her ideas. I don't know what I'd do without her. She's totally amazing.

Speaking of amazing, Skyler's getting so big. I really need to get some pictures of him up. He's growing like a weed, and he's so much fun. Watching him with the other little kids is really cute, and he's been helping with the water fights. Mikel was over the other day and took him to the window so he could drop a water balloon on Ice Queen's head. Mikel's really good with kids. Skyler loves him, just like they all do. It probably helps that he'll go out and buy a bunch of ice cream from Dairy Queen in the form of ice cream cakes and other things just to bring the kids for impromptu ice cream parties. Watching all the kids together getting that stuff everywhere is a kick. It makes a huge mess, but Mikel will even clean it all up. Then we have a bunch of kids with sugar rushes running around.

Being a dad rocks. It's the most amazing feeling in the world to see this little kid that you helped bring into the world running around and laughing and playing. Even better are the times he says "Daddy" or "love you." It makes me wonder how anyone could ever hurt or abandon their kids. I'll never understand some people.

That's it, I guess. Skyler's trying his best to climb up my leg, so I guess I have to give him more attention. I hope everyone's doing well. Hopefully this challenge thing will keep us all writing. I think it's a good thing.